Episode 3: When a Barbaric Chieftain Met a "Nice Girl"

thorman2005 said...
Neil should take Thorvald the Great and Mighty to see the world... especially white castle.

TONY THE MAN NOT IN THE STORY YET said...
Neil should kill keldon

Syonik said...
figuratively, of course. Thorvald should hold them hostage until they explain the "magic" that brought him to 21st century Minnesota. Then he should tell them the story of himself.
and btw, his hammer definitely needs a real name. perhaps myolnear?

Syonik said...
then he should equip his hammer

Anonymous said...
neil should wipe him off with paper towl and thor has a allergic reaction!

Anonymous said...
Keldon dies!!!!!!!

Keldy said...
Neil should kill Tony

Blogger John Medfords said...
Thorvald should go on a spree of some sort. Preferably a killing one.

Elmo said...
hey... neil should rescue keldy... because keldy is cool... but thor should not die either!

kelsey said...
knickerbocker.... he should meet a girl

As we continue...
As Neil contemplates how his future is going to be without Keldon, he starts to get depressed. He glances down at his watch (it is 9:15 AM) and happens to notice a button that says "Push in case of emregncey." He can't figure out what 'emregncey' means so he just pushes it anyway. Realizing that he should have heard Keldon's skull crack by now, he looks up and sees two statues standing in animated poses.
"Wow!" he exclaims, "Emregncey must be some sort of term for stopping time!"
He decides that he should somehow keep Thorvald from killing Keldon.
"I've got it," he says to himself (and Nesbitt), "If I kill Keldon myself, Thorvald won't have the chance!"
He then pulls out his handy knife (it has a hand carved on the handle) and stabs Keldon in the chest. As Keldon explodes in a rain of sparks and metallic debris Neil realizes that there were probably better options. He then realizes that Keldon must have had some sort of bionic implant. Otherwise how could he have exploded "in a rain of sparks and metallic debris?"
At a beep from his watch Thorvald's hammer comes crashing down into the large pile of excrement (see the end of episode 2) near where Keldon had been standing.
"Well that was odd," says Keldon as he walks in from the other room, "Something must be wrong with my drone."
"Umm...it was fine a second ago," says Neil.
"Well the camera just went out."
"I have no clue what happened. It just exploded in a rain of sparks and metallic debris."
Suddenly they are both grasped by two brawny arms and lifted into the air.
"Who are you puny men and what sort of magic did you use to transport me here?" asks the very perplexed warrior.
"Put us down!" scream Keldon and Neil and, for some unknown reason, Nesbitt.
The warrior slowly lowers them to the floor and waits for his answer.
"You were frozen in a block of ice at subzero temperatures causing suspended animation for centuries until we were able to thaw you out and you woke up screaming just now," explains Keldon with a large degree of nervous shaking.
"WHAT?"
"You got froze," explains the ever helpful Neil. "In fact, you're still a little wet."
Keldon hastily grabs a paper towel from the shelf and wipes off Thorvald's chest.
"IT BURNS!"
"Hmm..." muses Keldon, "something has caused an unforeseen side effect of paper allergy."
"I didn't do anything."
"Are you sure you didn't put him in the microwave?"
"Well actually," begins Nesbitt.
Neil kicks the large machine and it whines a downward glissando-diminuendo as it goes to sleep.
"Did you just kick Nesbitt?" asks a perplexed Keldon.
"No."
The duo decides that Thorvald should be educated on the workings of modern culture so that he can be integrated into society.
"First off, we can't keep calling you Thorvald. It's kind of outdated. How about Thor?"
"Well...I guess that would be okay."
As they head to the mall, they explain the many innovations of modern technology. He has an extremely receptive mind and it goes quite well. They leave him in the car (after carefully measuring his dimensions) while they go inside so as not to upset everyone with his 'underwear.' They buy him some nice 'outdoorsy' gear and call it a day.
Back at the lab, they help him dress and even sew a pocket inside his coat so that he can conceal his hammer (which he refers to as 'myolnear'). Through the door pops a man who no words could describe.
"Excuse me, is this Quests Lmtd.? My name is Tony and my family has been kidnapped."
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" yells the ever outrageable Thor, "We must find them at once!"
"Well if you're going on a quest you're going to need a female assistant," says Neil.
"Why?"
"That's just how it's done."
"Well where can we find one?"
"We'll just head over to Assassins 'R' Us."
They enter the store and are immediately accosted by the store manager. Did I say accosted? I meant assaulted.
"We just need a female assassin!" yells Keldon as Thor reaches for his hammer. "We don't want any trouble."
"Oh. I'm so sorry. Did you want the hardened criminal type or the attractive, catch-you-off-guard type?"
"Umm...whichever's cheaper."
"Try aisle seven."
They pick out an affordable yet functional assassin (her name is Kelsey) and head to the check out counter. Back at the lab they bring her out of her suspended animation.
"Where am I?"
"Not this again..."
"Oh, I remember. I was put in suspended animation while I wait for my paycheck."
"For a hit?" asks Neil.
"A what? I was a test subject for a nasal spray."
"So you're not an assassin?"
"No."
"Well, she'll have to do anyway."

The group is assembled and ready to go but they have no weaponry and no knowledge of who they are up against. Where should they get more information? As always, leave suggestions in the form of comments (which can be found just above the beginning of the episode. Remember, no outcomes, only actions). You give an action, I give an outcome.

Episode 2: A Grand Solution to a Frigid Problem

Updates will normally occur on Saturdays, depending on my homework load and activities.
Mark said...
Matt Schon should break into the Scientist's Lab in the attempt to steal Thorvald's frozen body and turn it into a snow cone.

Keldy said...
Continue thawing with the hair dryer.

Horne Star said...
Neil should try to reach for a laser-heater...
And you should introduce the "bad guy" soon... :)

Elmo said...
I think because we have not really addressed the intelligence of Neil... he should continue like a good Igor would and keep blow drying
Keldon should come back with some super duper way of thawing Thor (the Great and Mighty).

Neil The Real Deal said...
I think there needs to be a love story or even a love triangle.
When Thor gets defrosted he should have to undergo some treatment to be brought back to life. When Thor wakes up he loses all muscle control and poops a poop hat has been held for centuries.

Thorvald Olson Burntvedt IV said...
Neil should use Thorvald's hammer to break ice... or
Neil should use ice pick to chip ice, being very careful of Thorvald's *********.

As we continue...
Neil continues to use the hair dryer. After a grueling thirty seconds he decides that it isn't worth it. He looks around wondering, "Now what could I break the ice with?" He ponders what would happen if only that wonderful looking hammer weren't encased in ice. Nearby lies an ice pick. He hastily grabs it and starts chipping but stops when he realizes he won't be able to keep from ripping off bits of Thorvald's body. Nearby also lies a laser-heater. He grasps the machine, which resembles a flamethrower with a crystal nozzle, and prepares to turn it on the persistent ice. Suddenly, a black-clad man named Matt Schon bursts in carrying a snow cone machine.
"Where's the ice?" Matt asks.
In a panic Neil turns the laser on Matt and cuts the head off his shoulders with the bright purple beam of light.
"Funny," thinks Neil, "I thought it would be red."
He looks at the power cell, which coincidentally is actually spelled pwer sell thanks to the wonderful Japanese translators, and realizes the heater is dead.
"Poop schnigget," he exlaims, "now I have to use something else."
He glances at the large microwave standing in the corner. He looks over at the room Keldon is currently occupying.
"Just five more minutes!" the half mad scientist yells out to him.
"Five minutes, hmm?" Neil mumbles to himself.
He quickly throws the figure into the microwave and sets the dial to 4.5 minutes.

Four minutes and thirty seconds later...
"Beep!" shouts the microwave.
"Wait a minute," Neil interjects, "did you just shout?"
"Oh yes," replies the microwave, "the good doctor programmed me with an artificial intelligence that provides me with the ability to interact with humans. My name is Nesbitt."
"Nesbitt?" asks the surprised Neil. "What kind of crazy name is Nesbitt?"
"I was named after a heater. I rather like it."
"Oh. Fine then."
Neil removes the now thawed hero from the microwave and replaces him on the table. Keldon enters the room carrying an unidentifiable machine.
"This should thaw him out quickly and safely."
"Um...the hair dryer worked."
"Really? I would have guessed it would take longer but I guess I didn't apply my margin of error."
"Yeah."
"Well it's a good thing you didn't throw him in the microwave or else he could have come out REALLY messed up."
"Well actually," begins Nesbitt.
Neil kicks the large machine and it whines a downward glissando-diminuendo as it goes to sleep.
"Did you just kick Nesbitt?" asks a perplexed Keldon.
"No."
Thor wakes up and screams as his large bowels empty the remains of what he ate hundreds of years ago. He lifts his mighty hammer and prepares to smash it over Keldon's head.

WHAT SHOULD NEIL DO? As always, leave suggestions in the form of comments (which can be found just above the beginning of the episode. Remember, no outcomes, only actions). You give an action, I give an outcome.

Episode 1: The Beginning...

As Thorvald the Great and Mighty surveys the waters around him, he realizes that he is royally screwed. His life flashes before his eyes. He sees his mother and father, a couple worthy of epic tales. His father is strong and skilled in the art of warfare. His mother is beautiful and is perfect in the art of healing as well as keeping house. His father trained him well. He has become the mightiest warrior in all of Norse history. His hammer is marred with the blows of enemies and his body is nearly untouched. His skill has caused many tales to be told of his exploits. He is considered unbeatable. His enemies tremble in their boots as the ground quakes beneath his. But this will not help him as he sinks into the icy waters laden down with armor. He sheds his armor but refuses to drop his mighty hammer. As the world goes black, he wonders how he will be remembered.

Cut to modern Minnesota, the Science Museum of Minnesota in St. Paul...
An unknown Norse warrior is on display, kept frozen as he was found in a block of ice, clasping a hammer to his breast and wearing only what we would consider "underwear." A shady looking character hovers near the guide ropes, glancing back and forth for guards before sneaking behind the display. He waves what looks like a Star Trek phaser with a Blackberry on top over the encased figure for a few seconds. A light flashes green. The scientist squeaks in excitement. He quickly covers his mouth and looks to see if he is noticed. He then slips away in the shadows.

Later that night...
The scientist and a moderately good looking fellow sneak into the museum through a back door. Twenty minutes later they sneak out with the icy museum piece. Back in the scientist's lab they lay it on a table and set to work thawing it out, using two industrial strength hair dryers.
"Why can't we just throw him in your giant microwave for a few minutes?" asks the moderately good looking fellow.
Keldon replies, "Because, Neil, if we thaw him out too quickly he will suffer unknown side effects. For all we know he could end up growing a brain tumor."
They proceed to thaw out the body. After three hours Keldon says he needs to go check the machine he plans to restore the warrior in.

Keldon is gone, the hair dryers will take forever, and Neil is losing patience. WHAT SHOULD NEIL DO? Leave your suggestions in the form of comments.

Inventory

INVENTORY:

1 half chewed Twix

3 pencils

1 empty chapstick tube

1 empty coin purse

365 cents in various denominations

7 photos of Tony Leair

Thorvald's Hammer:

Thorvald's famous hammer, his weapon of choice, was frozen in his mighty fist. He carries it with him. It deals a lot of damage but is slow and difficult to conceal when Thorvald is in public.

Classic Norse Sword:

Will fashioned this sword after typical Norse weaponry. It does not deal as much damage as the hammer but is quicker and easier to conceal.









Norse Shield:

Will fashioned this Norse Shield for Thorvald. It protects from all attacks but can be broken if it takes too much damage.







Norse Helm:

Similar to the shield, this helm was made by Will and is an important defensive measure. It needs to be repaired from time to time as it does take damage.

CHARACTERS:

Thorvald (the Great and Mighty)

Thorvald was the greatest warrior of all Norse history. He was so great that they named a god after him. His enemies feared him, his fellow warriors wanted to be him, and all the ladies loved him. After a fierce battle in the Arctic, he slipped off of his ship and was frozen in the ice. He washed up on the shores of Maine and made his way through various museums until he finally arrived in Minnesota.



Keldon

Keldon is a scientist who specializes in "fringe science." He discovered (using one of his many complex inventions) that Thorvald was still slightly alive under the ice. He then enlisted the help of Neil to steal the frozen hero, thaw him out, and restore him to perfect health (with a slight side effect causing an allergy to paper).



Neil

Neil grew up in the modern United States. He is Thorvald's main source of help, as he provides countless tips and advice on how Thorvald can fit into today's modern culture. Neil is a moderately good looking fellow who likes to play football and Maple Story.





Will aka "Philly Cheesesteak"

Will is a master of ancient weaponry. He designs and makes swords, shields, armor, etc. with the style and technology of ancient Europe, South America, and Alaska. He aids Thorvald by providing the group with weaponry without charging profit. He is a kind hearted individual who loves animals and children.




John "Knickerbocker" Knickerbocker

John is a smart, witty individual whose knowledge aids the group from time to time. However, he is mostly in it for comic relief.






Tony

Tony is a small business owner whose family has been kidnapped by the evil Gramthorn. He enlists the help of Thorvald and Company to find and rescue them.

The Tale of Thorvald the Great and Mighty

This is an adaptation of "interactive fiction" or "text adventures," a popular kind of computer game in the eighties and early nineties.

For a great example of how this works in Blog form, go to http://corious.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2008-05-19T11%3A56%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7

According to Wikipedia an IF is "simulating environments in which players use text commands to control characters and influence the environment."

In other words, you guys type commands like "Thorvald should check the box."

I will then write a story such as, "Thorvald opened the wooden crate, being careful to first check for traps. He carefully lifted the lid and discovered a small diamond ring laying at the bottom. He snatched it up and put it in his backpack before quickly leaving the store."

You give suggestions and I write the story. Please no complex suggestions such as "Thorvald opens the box and finds a diamond ring with the power to obliterate all objects made of copper." You don't know what's in the box; I know what's in the box.