Episode 8: Taking Out the Trash

Syonik said...
Thorvald uses his magical goats, Tanngrisnir and Tanngnost to ride through the heavens to the North Pole, where he begins a siege on the workshop.

As we continue...
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring not even a knave.

The Grinch was plotting by the chimney with care
For the devious Saint Nick soon would be there.

Rainbow Valkyrie was nestled all snug in her bed
While visions of birdseed danced in her head.

Thor in his kerchief and Neil in his cap
Were just laying down for their pre-plot nap.

When suddenly the Grinch made such a clatter
That Thor and Neil sprung up to see what was the matter.

He said, "Go to the window," they flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to their wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver so lively and quick
They knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

"All right," says the Grinch. "It's time to go."
"Shall we trudge right out," says Thor, "Into the snow?"
"It's not that cold, it's only twenty below"
"But oh, would you listen to that wind blow!"
"Will you two quit rhyming? You're giving me a headache!" Neil shouts.

"How are we going to get to the North Pole?" asks Thor.
"Well actually," says the Grinch, "He doesn't actually live at the North Pole. The North Pole is barren and lifeless. There's nothing there but icebergs, water, a few polar bears, and some half-eaten seal corpses. No, he actually lives in Lapland, Finland."
"Well how are we going to get there?"
"Well I have these two goats..."
"Goats? How are you going to use goats to get there?" Neil interjects.
"They're magical goats. They can fly. But I only have two of them so one of us has to walk."
"Not it." Thor and Neil chime in.
"Poop babies." the Grinch says as he realizes he will have to resort to alternative transportation.
"Well let's get to it," says Thor.

Thor mounts Tanngrisnir as Neil mounts Tanngnost. They fly over the United States and then over the Atlantic Ocean. As they begin their descent down to Finland Neil decides that the status of his bladder was approaching an emergency. He let his fly down and let fly with his urine (which ended up hitting a kindly old German on vacation).

Neil's cell phone begins ringing.
"Hello?"
"Yes. This is the Grinch speaking. I was wondering what was taking you two so long."
"We're just landing in the village now. How did you beat us?"
"I took the teleporter of course. It causes one to be sick for a while but you get over it."
"Why didn't we all take it?"
"It's expensive. Plus the writer wanted to have an excuse to throw in Thor's magical goats."
"Ah. I see."
"Meet me at the pub."
"Which one? There's millions."
"The one right in front of you, silly."

They meet up and head to the nearby toy shop. There they find an army of elves waiting for them.

"This is not going to be pretty." Neil says.
"Let's get to it." Thor says.

They pull out their industrial strength cue ball launchers and fire a volley into the crowd. Eight fall. The elves fire various children's weaponry at them. Thor, Neil, and the Grinch do their best to dodge Nerf® darts, ping pong balls, fake arrows, and marbles. They then fire back. And so it goes until both sides run out of ammunition.

"Charge!" shouts Thor.

They go in, fists blazing (this is due to the flaming gloves they are wearing). They punch and kick left and right, subduing countless enemies. They finally reach the entrance, jump inside, and slam the door on the throng of midgets.

Once inside they trash the place and steal all the loot.

"This is the last Christmas he will plague mankind with his vile scheme of evil avarice," Thor declares.

They thank the Grinch for his help as he teleports back to Mount Rainier. They then fly back to their base.

"Wow!" Neil shouts, "Look at all the presents under the tree!"
"I'm glad you like it," Kelsey says.
In the spirit of the moment Thor is heard to say, "Merry Christmas to all!"
"And to all a good night!" says the creepy old man in red.

Episode 7: The Slightly Naughty Saint Nick

Liom "Ders" Fjordson said...
Thor slaughters seventeen thousand slithering snakes by firing lightning bolts from his arse, while saying various triumphant catch phrases like; "Careful there's no antidote for that strain of venom!" or "I eat evil.. for breakfast!" Whereas Neil plays the sympathy card (a single golden tear fell from Neil's face, and when it hit the ground it made a sound that was heard across the land. And those who heard the noise said, "A man has been wronged today".) Subsequently they resort to giant robot fighting means.

Neil The Real Deal said...
three words.. tunnel of love.
Or something similar.

Syonik said...
meanwhile, Keldon should investigate and try to get to the source of the Neil-ists

For the purpose of writing a Christmas episode, some comments will not be used. We apologize for the inconvenience.

As we continue...
Thorvald thinks to himself, "There must be some way that I can prove that I am better than Neil and show Kelsey how devoted I am to her."
Neil thinks a similar thought, but with less words.
Thor looks around him. As he surveys the carnival he wonders what sort of challenges he could overcome whilst in her presence.
"Snake pit," a carney yells, "come see the ferocious and quite deadly snakes battle each other. What could be more ferocious and deadly? Nothing, that's what!"
"Say, Kelsey," he addresses her, "let's go and view that marvelous attraction."
They walk into the dark and ominous looking tent. Inside, the stench of reptilian filth wafts up to their nostrils and causes them to gag. Thor sees asps and adders, vipers and boas. Those that can send a human into eternal sleep with a single bite and those that can wrap around a man and strangle from him his last breath.
Suddenly a man dressed in red with white accents (including his conical hat with a small ballish puff on the end) leaps in from outside the tent, shoves Kelsey into the snake pit, and jumps back out.
Thor leaps in after Kelsey. He crouches and looks around. The snakes stare him down as they prepare to strike. Thor waits for their first move.
A lone viper leaps at him, aiming his fangs for Thor's neck. Thor ducks the attack and watches as the snake smashes violently into the wall. One snake is incapacitated, forty-nine remain.
"There's no antidote for that poison!" Thor shouts.
The remaining snakes all leap at him at once. Thor lets three adders crash into each other while stomping on a coral snake and swatting a boa into the wall. Over the next five minutes Thor performs a series of kicks, jabs, and punches (with a liberal serving of grunts on the side). He defeats all of the snakes and rescues the fair Kelsey from peril.
Neil finds them as the exit the tent. He notices their disheveled state and becomes concerned.
"What happened?"
"A man in red with a funny conical hat pushed Kelsey into the snake pit."
"Let's see, a man in red with a funny conical hat."
Neil thinks for a while
"That must be Santa Clause!"
"He must be hunted down and defeated!" Thor cries.
"I only know of one man who can help us in our struggle," Neil says. "The Grinch."
And so our heroes travel to the great state of Washington. The Grinch lives here, at the peak of Mount Rainier, the highest peak in the Cascade Mountain Range. They begin their trek up the perilous mountain. Thor takes the lead, Kelsey follows behind him, and Neil follows her (they left Keldon at home). And on Thor's shoulder rides his trusty pet, Rainbow Valkyrie. After a arduous and perilous trek they finally reach the top. They walk to the door of the Grinch's lair and knock on the door.
"Who is it?" a harsh voice is heard to ask.
"Valiant questsmen who wish to take down the Clause," Thor answers.
"Well then, come in and have some hot cocoa while I help you formulate a plan."
They enter and take a brief glance at their new surroundings.
"What a lot of trash!" Neil exclaims.
"You may wait outside," the Grinch retorts.
"Poop babies," Neil curses.
After much deliberation they decide that they must wait until Christmas Eve, Santa's busiest night, and then attack him with an array of ancient weaponry.

New episode coming Christmas Eve!